Ace Wisdom

I’ve always wanted my own personal tree in the back yard where I could harvest denominations of $10, $20, $100 or even $1000 bills. You know, get up in the morning, make some coffee, wander outside to the magic tree and pick a few $1000 bills. I’d just stuff them in my pockets and then go enjoy the day. The tree of course would bear money all year around. None of this seasonal stuff. If I had money left over, occasionally I’d share my good fortune with Grasshoppers and family.
Well, for my birthday I got a money tree. It has green leaves and I’m sure is ready for transplant into the backyard. One of the Grasshoppers gave it as a gift. Pretty unselfish to give away a perpetual source of cash.
Grasshopper No. 4 spoiled my fantasy a little. He said, “Dad, you got a bonsai tree”. I said “How did you know”? Apparently everybody knows that a bonsai tree which originated in China is called the money tree.
This morning I planted the tree in the back yard. It dawned on me that I should protect this valuable resource so that some dog doesn’t lift his leg on it. A small fence seemed in order. So I built a fence. Then I began to think about the people in the neighborhood who might steal my tree. So I hired a security firm to put alarms and video equipment in place to protect against intruders. Then I decided I should get insurance to cover potential losses. The ultimate solution of course was to hire a security guard service to stand over the tree 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.
You get the idea. Suddenly I had another worry in my life. How do I protect this new found fortune? Protecting the tree was going to cost more than the daily harvest. Aawww Sh–.
So I am going to place the bonsai tree in the front computer rooom, water it faithfully and appreciate the thought behind which it was given. It is pretty. It was given for my birthday.
Alas, another get rich scheme goes down the tubes. It was a beautiful thought. I guess I’m destined to lead a life of quiet desperation.
The lesson Grasshoppers is that instant wealth does not normally drop in your lap. You don’t need a money tree to be rich. Look around.
Love,
Dad

We keep coming up with solutions to solve our dependence on gasoline. There are abundant alternative fuels including extracting Hydrogen from the air. Daaaah! Hydrogen is everywhere. Coal could supply gasoline for the United States for several hundred years. Our “genius” has been released and we will now take our food supply and make fuel out of it. I guess it is better to trundle on down the road in our huge Hummers than to eat.
What a “corny” solution. We are now building lots of “corn to ethenol” conversion plants in the midwest. Not only does it take energy to convert corn, it will increase the total cost of a gallon of gas. I’ve heard estimates that the “corn plants” might produce up to 2% of our annual needs. What a brilliant move. That means 98% of our fuel must still come from other sources. That will relieve all our problems.
Politicians are jumping on the bandwagon. Former Govenor Tommy Thompson is a big investor in a corn plant here in the Midwest. Guess who will make a fortune over our panic to use corn resources. Wisconsin is trying to mandate the percentage of ethanol that gets put into each gallon of gas.
So what else happens. Yes, farmers plant more corn each year because demand will be increasing. Corn “future” prices are already double and triple historical norms. That means when you go to the store to buy anything that contains corn, it will cost more. You Dorito eaters will take it on the chin. Here we go! When I was younger, you could pick up a dozen ears of corn in July for 50 cents. Now they go for $4-$6 per dozen. Brace yourself for $10 per dozen. Higher food prices will push up your cost of living and it will affect everything else. Higher loan costs. Less take home pay. You get the idea.
I don’t know how many people in the world go to bed hungry each night buy I’m told it is the millions. How many people starve to death each day? But hey, screw the world. My SUV needs gas.
There has to be a better solution than corn. Didn’t the professor in “Back to the Future” convert fertilizer from cows into fuel for his time traveling car?
I do believe we will find good solutions. It just strikes me that taking food you eat and converting to gas for cars and trucks is not heading in the right direction.
As long as I’ve complaining about solutions to world problems, Sheryl Crows solution of limiting each bowel movement to one square sheet of toilet paper (to save trees) is just as stupid. As Rosie O’Donnell said, “has Sheryl seen the size of my ass”? Rosie, the world has seen the size of your ass.
My theme has been steady today. We are coming up with Sh–ty solutions to our energy problems as well as global warming (if there really is global warming).
So go forth Grasshoppers and help solve the problems of the world. Stay informed. Encourage good solutions. Avoid the “corn”.
Love,
Dad

Sometimes there is symbolism in things that happen in life. On Wednesday this week, a fire broke out in a barn adjacent to a golf course in Hartford, Wisconsin. Not only did a fire break out but the barn contained 20,000 pounds of fertilizer (10 tons). Now that is a lot of sh–. The symbolism of course is that with all the bullsh– that takes place on a golf course, burning tons of it is the perfect irony.
I make light of the situation but it was really pretty serious because when sh– burns, it becomes toxic. They had to evacuate homes downwind from the fire and smoke. Fortunately nobody was injured.
I think God looked down and asked himself how he could mock golfers. Golfers are known to be follow rules very carefully and the never, never compromise their integrity. Yeah, right. So God decided to torch this pile of sh– to let all golfers know that he knows! Ha.
When I was a kid, a favorite trick of kids was to put “doggy dew” in a bag, and then burn it on the doorstep of someone you didn’t like. You’d light a match to the bag of sh– and ring the doorbell. You hoped that the person answering the door would try to snuff out the fire by stepping on it to smother the small flame and of course the end result was a stinky, sloppy shoe. I never did this. I just heard of other kids doing it. Most people would not step on the bag but they had to let it burn out and endure the stink and mess.
So the Washington County Golf Course in Hartford will continue to operate but with a little less sh–. You golfing purists out there might want to play Washington County Golf Course. There is a little less sh– than there used to be. Now that would be different.
God indeed has a sense of humor.
Love,
Dad

This blog is a day early again. Tomorrow I’ve got mountains to climb and oceans to cross.
As a result of Clark Howard’s suggestion about credit, I went to the website that provides free credit reports once a year, (www.annualcreditreport.com). There are 3 major credit report companies and each will provide you one credit report each year. Howards suggestion was to order one report every 4 months, each time from a different company. Then after a year you can start over and you can review your credit every 4 months for free forever.
Yep I’m listed. I’m in the data base of the “credit report” company. I worked my way through the security maze. I was assigned an account number. I was assigned a user name, a passwood and some secretive questions to answer the next time I try to get a report. Wah-laa! I got my credit report.
My employment data was slightly aged. The last job they had in the records was Artfaire which was 1986. I guess the 14 years of making cookies fell completely off the map.
The address of our current residence was correct as well as the Greenfield Street location along with the condo at Elkhart Lake.
There was a 48 month history of payments on credit cards and utilities. A total of 10 accounts are monitored on a continuing basis and I am rated by whether I am current with my payments or “late”. Apparently it takes 4 years to work slow payments out of your credit report. There are 5 degrees of “late” payments.
And then there was a page of credit card companies that inquired about me in order to decide whether they should offer new credit cards to me. My list had 12 different companies that checked my financial history over two years. All this was in the guise of Promotional Inquiry.
And then there were 3 pages of companies that did “account review inquiries”. Some inquires were from companies that I do existing business with and some were totally unknown to me. Again new credit card companies were listed. In total, 42 different inquiries were made over 2 years.
My comments would be that the report was extremely poor on employment information but the history of payments on different monthly accounts was really good. I was blown away by the number of companies that had access to my credit history over that last 2 years.
You do not get a credit “score” with the free credit report. For that you must pay an additional $7.95. I did not request my score. For that same amount of money I can get a quarter pounder at MacDonalds. According to Mr. Howard, a score of 700 or more is the tipping point. At 700 and above you will get favorable rates on everything from credit cards to mortgage rates. I’m just going to have to live out my life not knowing.
My primary reason for pursuing a credit report was to find out if I had any major negatives or disputes listed. I did not.
Check it out. You can find out for free whether the world has proper financial information on you. They are watching you! Woooooo!
Love,
Dad
And then there were 3 pages of

This blog is one day early due to commitments tomorrow. Busy, busy, busy!
Clark Howard came to Appleton last night. No, you say! Yep. He was sponsored by a local credit union and he appeared on stage at a local high school. Your mom and I (along with Grasshopper No. 3 and Collin) went to the presentation in a driving April snowstorm. So did the other silly 700 fans that filled the auditorium. He certainly has captured the attention of all classes of Americans.
I try to discern the fascination with Mr. Howard. It think it is fairly simple. As consumers we are all getting screwed every day with deceptive business practices and he has some fairly simple solutions. So he makes a living helping people navigate the mine field of devious ploys.
Why did I pay $10 per person to see Clark. One of my basic laws is “you always learn something” and the subject matter interests me.
Now you ask, what could the Zen Master possibly learn? Well, I have resisted looking at my credit report because I figure it really doesn’t apply to my financial situation. I don’t do loans. I don’t need to apply for credit (I get 50 solicitations for credit cards each year). I’m not about to refinance my house! But, according to Clark Howard, the credit report is used for everything including insurance rating (home insurance, auto insurance and property insurance). If you are a credit risk, you pay higher insurance rates. So I might be paying higher rates because some “nimrod” has tarnished my credit rating. My goal today is to apply for one of my free annual credit reports through a website Clark disclosed. Even an old Zen Master can learn.
Clark’s favorite word? Save! The word is “SAVE”. Save. Save. Save.
Saving is multi-dimensional. It means putting some of your earnings away on a continuing basis. Use 401k’s, health saving accounts, Roth IRA’s and regular bank saving accounts. It also means finding the best deal for your telephones, TV’s, and insurance. It means spending on things you need and avoiding the “wants”. It means avoiding credit cards. It means building equity in your home (don’t do home equity loans). You get the idea.
For a guy (Clark Howard) who bought a small travel agency at age 25 just as air fares were being deregulated, built it into a total of 5 agencies by age 31, then sold it for enough money to retire, he did pretty good. The question will always be “was he lucky or was he good”. Maybe both. He did siezed the opportunity. He continures to sieze opportunity.
My goal is to make back the total of $20 I spent on tickets. Stay tuned!
Love,
Dad

We all have memories of food. Some are good and some are bad. Most memories trace back to some childhood experience. Grasshopper No. 2 for example hates peas to this day because I forced her to eat them. I personally can’t stand stewed spinach and I was bribed with money to eat it. I still gag on the smell as well as the taste. You get the idea.
To put a positive spin on this, there a foods that are a delight and childhood experiences were good. When I was about 6 years old, every spring around mid April, my Grandpa Chalk and Myrna would take their big black Buick and drive around the local countryside late in the afternoon. They knew every patch of asparagus that grew wild around the area. The asparagus could be seen peeking though the grass along the roadside and we would stop on the side of country roads and walk along the grass to pick asparagus. For a young kid it was like an Easter egg hunt. It was fun to find the green asparagus stalks. I think we cut the stalks near the ground so that the following year there would again be a repeat crop. We usually ended up with several wooden baskets full of the green lilac plants. Who would have guessed that asparagus is a derivative of the lilac type plant?
The asparagus never had a distinct smell when it was being prepared but the soft stalks drenched in butter left good memories. The taste is scrumptious.
I was reminded of aspargus as I roamed the vegetable isles at the local grocery store and I see that some retaurants are advertising asparagus as part of their April menu. Yep, it is that time of year.
As a reminder of this terrific experience of finding, picking, preparing, and eating asparagus is the lingering “after effect”. Every trip to the bathroom leaves a very aromic urine smell. It is bitter sweet! I love the food but I could do without the intense odor.
I love asparagus. Maybe it is because it tastes good. Maybe it is because at an early age I participated in the harvest of the cute little plant. Maybe because it is considered a classy serving (better restaurants offer it on their spring menus). Maybe just because!
So if you get a chance, enjoy the experience of tender asparagus and stink up your bathroom!
Love,
Dad

As you Grasshoppers know, credit cards are one of my favorite rants. Credit cards are the scurge of our financial system. They encourage people to buy now and pay later. So people live beyond their means. The result is outrageous interest charges and late fees.
Credit cards along with debit cards are being used everywhere. McDonalds accepts cards. My local convenience store charges cigarettes and Mountain Dew on a “card”. You can even make a car purchase on a credit card.
Okay, here comes the rant. Churches and places of worship have always been “cash and carry”. Parishioners have traditionally placed cash, envelopes filled with cash or checks in the collection boxes. God loves cash. But now you can use your credit card (or debit card). Some churches allow you to swipe you card to fulfill you obligation. Yep, you can satisfy your commitment and pay later. In effect you are charging heaven. Will God accept credit? I guess he accepts prayers, why not credit cards.
I’m convinced that credit cards are the devils tool. They temp you to indulge now and pay later. The belief is that things will work out.
In 1970, 16% of all American households had credit cards. Now 75% have cards.
The average household had .6 cards per household in 1971. Now the average is 7.8 cards per household.
In 1971, 820,000 merchants accepted credit cards. Now 6 million.
Every household in America will average 50 credit card solicitations this year. The Devil is persistant.
The lesson Grasshoppers is to be vigilant with credit. It is an effective tool if used wisely. It is a powerful tool. The devil has created the dastardly card and now even God accepts credit. Go figure.
Love,
Dad

It is spring break. When I was growing up they didn’t have a migration to Cancun, Mexico. I guess Florida is in vogue along with the Carribean Islands. So I missed getting “pie-eyed” drunk and chasing bikini clad bimbo’s around the warm places. Ah, what could have been!
So Collin and I are spending spring break assembling shelves in the basement so that junk can be stored on the shelves. That only means there is room for more junk. Seems to me that shelves are a way of avoiding decisions on how to get rid of the junk. There are a few truths that have become self evident. Collin is stronger than I am. He is also smarter because he knows how all the parts of the shelving go together. So I guess I am relegated to a quiet role of supervisor.
Collin has also commited to walking with me each day during spring break. He has a never ending barrage of questions regarding cars. He does like nice machines. He keeps wanting to know what my next car will be (assuming I ever buy another car). I try to change subject. He keeps asking. Walks go very fast!
Grasshopper No. 4 and I were entered in a NCAA basketball pool. No. 4’s picks were awful with sentiment towards the UW-Madison basketball team. I picked with my head rather than my heart and I did have Florida as the ultimate champion. No, I didn’t win any money because I missed too many other selections along the road to championship. To cap off the non-sense, Kelly and Carlos who are in Las Vegas (and know very little about basketball), made a bet that Forida would win by 6 points or more. Ka-Ching! They won $40. Who said the world was fair.
Our 47th anniversay came and went. It was a nice day and there is this shared understanding that it was a day like any other except there will always be fond memories of when it all started. We did have dinner at a very nice restaurant. Lots of nice thoughts conveyed by family and friends.
Easter coming. Stay warm!
Love,
Dad

As our 47th wedding anniversary looms (April 2) and Easter approaches (April 8), it seems that all the Grasshoppers are busy.
Grasshopper No. 1 is headed for Virginia with a diversion to Churchill Downs, the home of the Kentucky Derby. I don’t know what the fascination is with horses, but “to each her own”. Probably lots of pictures.
Grasshopper No. 2 is headed with her troops to the Grand Canyon. It was the one destination that our family missed on our trip to the West Coast 30 years ago. This trip is a combination of seminars in Las Vegas, kids having spring break and the chance to venture to someplace special.
Grasshopper No. 3 is holding down the fort (along with Collin) but Shelby Jr. and Keeley are head for Paris, France. Again spring break comes into play and Keeley graduates from high school in June (and her life begins).
Grasshopper No. 4 “has gun, will travel”. If you hear of any lucrative job positions that are open, he is ready.
Grasshopper No. 5 remains on the tundra in Minnesota and probably will remain there over Easter.
So you see, everybody seems to be on the move or occupied. That is as it should be.
Doesn’t all the traveling cost money? Tax refunds must play a role.
Stay well!
Love,
Dad

There was this Princess named Lyla who lived on the Island of Plymouth Rock. She had led an exemplary life with the love of her life, Prince George. Princess Lyla was 96 and Prince George had passed on. The Island of Plymouth Rock required payments of gold each month to remain on the island. One day, Princess Lyla went to the cave where her fortune had been stored and when she looked into her treasure chest, was dismayed that the gold was almost gone. What would she do? She would be exiled from the island if she could not deliver gold monthly.
That meant she would probably she would have to move to Odyssey Island and receive full time care whether she needed it or not. It was the only island where you could live free. Many people hated Odyssey Island but when you run out of gold, that is the only option.
Well the God of Miracles was looking down and decided that a new program would be created where Princess Lyla could remain on Plymouth Rock and all costs would be paid by the big Island (Odyssey Island). The God of Miracles missed one small detail. Princess Lyla would have to venture to Odyssey Island until they could process her for approval. The promise was that she could get approval to go home in days or one week. Suddenly days turned into many weeks. This didn’t look good.
Then Princess Lyla’s second daughter (the prettiest), Princess Shelby took on the task of swimming the waters of bureacracy between the islands and was determined to get Princess Lyla back to her oriiginal Island. Shelby came ashore on Odyssey Island. She fought the natives, the female warriors and finally the Chief. It was a fierce struggle. The Chief admired Princess Shelby’s determination and he granted free, immediate passage back to Plymouth Rock. Princess Lyla could go home. Odyssey Island would pay gold on her behalf on a monthly basis.
As the two Princesses, Lyla and Shelby walked ashore on the home island, there was a collective sigh of relief. It had been a struggle but they had made it home.
There were lots of friendly warriors who helped in this epic struggle and they should all be recognized for their assistance. But in the end it was Princess Shelby who saved the day! God Bless her effort.
Love,
Dad