Ace Wisdom

We all have memories of food. Some are good and some are bad. Most memories trace back to some childhood experience. Grasshopper No. 2 for example hates peas to this day because I forced her to eat them. I personally can’t stand stewed spinach and I was bribed with money to eat it. I still gag on the smell as well as the taste. You get the idea.
To put a positive spin on this, there a foods that are a delight and childhood experiences were good. When I was about 6 years old, every spring around mid April, my Grandpa Chalk and Myrna would take their big black Buick and drive around the local countryside late in the afternoon. They knew every patch of asparagus that grew wild around the area. The asparagus could be seen peeking though the grass along the roadside and we would stop on the side of country roads and walk along the grass to pick asparagus. For a young kid it was like an Easter egg hunt. It was fun to find the green asparagus stalks. I think we cut the stalks near the ground so that the following year there would again be a repeat crop. We usually ended up with several wooden baskets full of the green lilac plants. Who would have guessed that asparagus is a derivative of the lilac type plant?
The asparagus never had a distinct smell when it was being prepared but the soft stalks drenched in butter left good memories. The taste is scrumptious.
I was reminded of aspargus as I roamed the vegetable isles at the local grocery store and I see that some retaurants are advertising asparagus as part of their April menu. Yep, it is that time of year.
As a reminder of this terrific experience of finding, picking, preparing, and eating asparagus is the lingering “after effect”. Every trip to the bathroom leaves a very aromic urine smell. It is bitter sweet! I love the food but I could do without the intense odor.
I love asparagus. Maybe it is because it tastes good. Maybe it is because at an early age I participated in the harvest of the cute little plant. Maybe because it is considered a classy serving (better restaurants offer it on their spring menus). Maybe just because!
So if you get a chance, enjoy the experience of tender asparagus and stink up your bathroom!
Love,
Dad

As you Grasshoppers know, credit cards are one of my favorite rants. Credit cards are the scurge of our financial system. They encourage people to buy now and pay later. So people live beyond their means. The result is outrageous interest charges and late fees.
Credit cards along with debit cards are being used everywhere. McDonalds accepts cards. My local convenience store charges cigarettes and Mountain Dew on a “card”. You can even make a car purchase on a credit card.
Okay, here comes the rant. Churches and places of worship have always been “cash and carry”. Parishioners have traditionally placed cash, envelopes filled with cash or checks in the collection boxes. God loves cash. But now you can use your credit card (or debit card). Some churches allow you to swipe you card to fulfill you obligation. Yep, you can satisfy your commitment and pay later. In effect you are charging heaven. Will God accept credit? I guess he accepts prayers, why not credit cards.
I’m convinced that credit cards are the devils tool. They temp you to indulge now and pay later. The belief is that things will work out.
In 1970, 16% of all American households had credit cards. Now 75% have cards.
The average household had .6 cards per household in 1971. Now the average is 7.8 cards per household.
In 1971, 820,000 merchants accepted credit cards. Now 6 million.
Every household in America will average 50 credit card solicitations this year. The Devil is persistant.
The lesson Grasshoppers is to be vigilant with credit. It is an effective tool if used wisely. It is a powerful tool. The devil has created the dastardly card and now even God accepts credit. Go figure.
Love,
Dad

It is spring break. When I was growing up they didn’t have a migration to Cancun, Mexico. I guess Florida is in vogue along with the Carribean Islands. So I missed getting “pie-eyed” drunk and chasing bikini clad bimbo’s around the warm places. Ah, what could have been!
So Collin and I are spending spring break assembling shelves in the basement so that junk can be stored on the shelves. That only means there is room for more junk. Seems to me that shelves are a way of avoiding decisions on how to get rid of the junk. There are a few truths that have become self evident. Collin is stronger than I am. He is also smarter because he knows how all the parts of the shelving go together. So I guess I am relegated to a quiet role of supervisor.
Collin has also commited to walking with me each day during spring break. He has a never ending barrage of questions regarding cars. He does like nice machines. He keeps wanting to know what my next car will be (assuming I ever buy another car). I try to change subject. He keeps asking. Walks go very fast!
Grasshopper No. 4 and I were entered in a NCAA basketball pool. No. 4’s picks were awful with sentiment towards the UW-Madison basketball team. I picked with my head rather than my heart and I did have Florida as the ultimate champion. No, I didn’t win any money because I missed too many other selections along the road to championship. To cap off the non-sense, Kelly and Carlos who are in Las Vegas (and know very little about basketball), made a bet that Forida would win by 6 points or more. Ka-Ching! They won $40. Who said the world was fair.
Our 47th anniversay came and went. It was a nice day and there is this shared understanding that it was a day like any other except there will always be fond memories of when it all started. We did have dinner at a very nice restaurant. Lots of nice thoughts conveyed by family and friends.
Easter coming. Stay warm!
Love,
Dad

As our 47th wedding anniversary looms (April 2) and Easter approaches (April 8), it seems that all the Grasshoppers are busy.
Grasshopper No. 1 is headed for Virginia with a diversion to Churchill Downs, the home of the Kentucky Derby. I don’t know what the fascination is with horses, but “to each her own”. Probably lots of pictures.
Grasshopper No. 2 is headed with her troops to the Grand Canyon. It was the one destination that our family missed on our trip to the West Coast 30 years ago. This trip is a combination of seminars in Las Vegas, kids having spring break and the chance to venture to someplace special.
Grasshopper No. 3 is holding down the fort (along with Collin) but Shelby Jr. and Keeley are head for Paris, France. Again spring break comes into play and Keeley graduates from high school in June (and her life begins).
Grasshopper No. 4 “has gun, will travel”. If you hear of any lucrative job positions that are open, he is ready.
Grasshopper No. 5 remains on the tundra in Minnesota and probably will remain there over Easter.
So you see, everybody seems to be on the move or occupied. That is as it should be.
Doesn’t all the traveling cost money? Tax refunds must play a role.
Stay well!
Love,
Dad

There was this Princess named Lyla who lived on the Island of Plymouth Rock. She had led an exemplary life with the love of her life, Prince George. Princess Lyla was 96 and Prince George had passed on. The Island of Plymouth Rock required payments of gold each month to remain on the island. One day, Princess Lyla went to the cave where her fortune had been stored and when she looked into her treasure chest, was dismayed that the gold was almost gone. What would she do? She would be exiled from the island if she could not deliver gold monthly.
That meant she would probably she would have to move to Odyssey Island and receive full time care whether she needed it or not. It was the only island where you could live free. Many people hated Odyssey Island but when you run out of gold, that is the only option.
Well the God of Miracles was looking down and decided that a new program would be created where Princess Lyla could remain on Plymouth Rock and all costs would be paid by the big Island (Odyssey Island). The God of Miracles missed one small detail. Princess Lyla would have to venture to Odyssey Island until they could process her for approval. The promise was that she could get approval to go home in days or one week. Suddenly days turned into many weeks. This didn’t look good.
Then Princess Lyla’s second daughter (the prettiest), Princess Shelby took on the task of swimming the waters of bureacracy between the islands and was determined to get Princess Lyla back to her oriiginal Island. Shelby came ashore on Odyssey Island. She fought the natives, the female warriors and finally the Chief. It was a fierce struggle. The Chief admired Princess Shelby’s determination and he granted free, immediate passage back to Plymouth Rock. Princess Lyla could go home. Odyssey Island would pay gold on her behalf on a monthly basis.
As the two Princesses, Lyla and Shelby walked ashore on the home island, there was a collective sigh of relief. It had been a struggle but they had made it home.
There were lots of friendly warriors who helped in this epic struggle and they should all be recognized for their assistance. But in the end it was Princess Shelby who saved the day! God Bless her effort.
Love,
Dad

My refund from the IRS should be coming soon. This year my Federal refund will be $309.
Plan No. 1 was to put the money into a stock fund so that upon my demise you 5 Grasshoppers would split the amount and get $61.80 each.
Plan No. 2 was to buy Mom something nice. Maybe some flowers. A gift? A dinner at a very nice restaurant. Maybe all of the above.
Plan No. 3 (the plan I prefer) was to buy myself a watch that has GPS (Satellite directed signals that adjust for perfect time every hour). Call it an “out and out extravagance”.
On Tuesday my headlight blew out on the Saab (after going through the car wash). Strange things happen after car washes. I needed $15.75 for the random failure. Now my $309 was down to $293.25 (your take would now be $58.65).
Then on Wednesday our VHS tape recorder died. Surprisingly you can buy a new one for $57. Your mom tapes shows she likes and wants to make duplicate tapes in the future. Okay, we spent $57. Now we are down to $236.25 (your share now $47.25).
Then our large garage door sputtered and stopped. Broken gears everywhere. It is a Sears special and the cost came to $105.00 to fix. Now we are down to $131.25 remaining (your share now $26.25)
Soon after our VHS recorder was replaced, our large screen TV in the basement which we bought in 1994 puked. It has lots of yellow, lime and blue shadows and distortion. The TV repairman is coming today. If he can fix it, I’m looking at $200. My tax refund now goes negative to $68.75 and I guess that means you all should chip in $13.75 each to help out. The operative word is “if” the TV can be fixed. If it can’t be fixed we are looking at a big time expense for a DPL large screen TV with 1080 pixels from a projection format resulting in high quality HDTV. Grasshopper No. 3 says that cost could be a minimum of $2,000. Now you all need to kick in $400-$500 each to help us out.
As a friend of mine use to say, “shit happens”. This week has had more than it’s share of unplanned expenses. It is part of life’s process.
Obviously this is a spoof. The tax refund has nothing to do with the random negative events. The refund should still be saved and set aside for emergencies, inheritances and indulgences. Don’t be tempted to fritter it away.
The lesson Grasshoppers is save your refund. You accumulated it over the course of a year and it can be a really nice boost to your savings account. Call it a windfall.
Love,
Dad

I was minding my own business. Your Mom and I had just finished lunch and were leaving a restaurant. A familiar face approached us. Yep, it was the Devine Ms. S from the local fitness center. Mom works out twice a week with the Devine Ms. S, a local body builder and fitness trainer. Ms. S greeted Mom and then addressed me as “Mr. Yoda”. We left the restaurant and I inquired what that was all about.
Apparently your Mom is know in the local fitness center as Yoda (you know, of Star Wars fame). No, it was not for her physical build but for the wisdom she shares especially with Ms. S. Ms. S has received support in her trivails through life from Mom. Your mom has become her mentor. You don’t look for mentors, it just kind of happens.
So if your Mom is Yoda, I guess that makes me Mr. Yoda. What the hell does that mean? Is that like Mr. Mom.
So what kind of advice qualifies as wisdom from the great master Yoda? I know of some things. For example, “everything happens for a reason”. That helps a person understand why they are being “dumped on” on a continuing basis. It assumes that maybe someday you’ll understand the “reason”.
Or, “put yourself first”. Of course you’ve got to take care of No, 1. If you don’t, who will. I don’t know if I’d travel across 15 galaxies to visit Yoda for that advice, but it qualifies as universal wisdom.
You get the idea. Mom speaks, the Devine Ms S listens and all is right with the world.
So now I ge the title of Mr. Yoda. Does that mean I have super wisdom or is it way for Ms. S to antagonize me. It sounds impressive.
Well, all I know is that if you address me as Mr. Yoda from now on, I will probably respond. I guess I’m flattered. I really didn’t do anything. Your mom did!
Actually it is a nice compliment to your Mom. She has a “follwing”.
Love,
Dad